Sometimes i feel like i'm the most selfless person in the world. I really put other's happiness above mine and i don't even know why. Deep down there is a part of me that is so afraid of rejection, of disappointment, of pain, and that's why i push myself to be the best version of me, so that less people will reject me, less people will be disappointed in me, less people will cause me pain. I accept the shit people put me through, i'm even willing to fight other's battle (this is purely a metaphor) and i feel like this has to end.
One of the reason is, i believe, because i don't know what my worth is as a person.
But then again, there's really no way, or a certain standard to estimate one's worth.
Does being pretty makes you worthy?
Does being nice makes you worthy?
Does being smart makes you worthy?
Does being funny makes you worthy?
Does being popular makes you worthy?
Does being rich makes you worthy?
Does having a good body makes you worthy?
Hell. I once thought having and being all that does makes you worthy. Like, your worth can be measured based on how pretty you are, how nice you treat others around you, how smart you are in your academic, so on and so on.. and me being the perfectionist that i am, i aspire to excel in every aspect which ended up taking a toll on my mental health.
This obsession of being this better version of me, the prettier side of me, the smarter side of me, the funnier side of me, the friendlier side of me, the fitter side of me.. i've spend my whole life trying to reach that side of me and as of right now i realize in the process of this "bettering myself" i've lost such a huge part of me.
This obsession of being this better version of me, the prettier side of me, the smarter side of me, the funnier side of me, the friendlier side of me, the fitter side of me.. i've spend my whole life trying to reach that side of me and as of right now i realize in the process of this "bettering myself" i've lost such a huge part of me.
I find my self 6 feet under this shallow sea of society's standards.
Man, sometimes i really wonder why i even bother.
Why should i bother to prove my worth, by constantly changing myself to fit society's certain standards and constantly comparing myself to people who fits the society's certain standards?
Do i really have to impress these people?
Do i really have to prove my worth to these people?
I'm slowly losing myself in the process of proving my worth, is it really worth it?
Do these "people" really worth of all my constant effort to prove that i am worthy?
Why should i bother to prove my worth, by constantly changing myself to fit society's certain standards and constantly comparing myself to people who fits the society's certain standards?
Do i really have to impress these people?
Do i really have to prove my worth to these people?
I'm slowly losing myself in the process of proving my worth, is it really worth it?
Do these "people" really worth of all my constant effort to prove that i am worthy?
Then it hits me.
People.. they come and go.
Why am i focusing so much on proving my worth to people who's not even worth 5 seconds of my attention?
I'm way too busy to focus on petty little things like this. What people see of me, what people think of me, what people talk of me, it shouldn't matter. Hell, it really doesn't matter.
I am just going to be myself.
I am not going to follow a certain standard.
Because i know i don't have to follow it to make sure that I am worthy.
I am worthy no matter what
And its up to you to see my worth or not.
I am done trying to please everyone, to make sure that i live up to their expectations, that i live up to their standards.
I am fucking amazing, and if you can't see that.. it's your loss.
I am happy with myself, I accept myself, I will embrace my flaws, I will not lose myself trying to be this other version of me that people would like better. I am done trying so hard for others, it is time for me to love myself a bit more.
I love me.
And I am worthy.
I will not lose myself in the process of proving my worth to others.
I am content.
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