It’s 11:09 AM, I’m currently intern-ing.. whatever the hell
that means, in Bank of Indonesia.
I’m reading this book called The Curious Incident of The Dog
in the Night time, which is a very interesting book about a young boy who
basically seeks for logical explanation about everything, which I adore,
because he sees the world as it is.
I was reading the book profoundly until I decided to listen
to a song, I opened my Spotify app and scrolled through the playlist.
“R”
I played one of the 12 songs there, it’s called “Think of
Love – Original Mix” by Risin Black Hole, which apparently is an Indonesian
band, what a nice surprise.
I continued reading the e-book, but the lyric of the song
kind of distracts me.
Would you marry me?
When I think of love,
I just think of you
I said I want you,
want you to be my wife
The song got me thinking, what was going on his mind when he
put this song on the playlist?
Was he really thinking about all of the stuff the song said?
That when he thinks of love, he thinks of me? That he wants to marry me? He
wants me to be his wife? Then this train of thoughts got me thinking…
Do I want to?
Marriage. The concept of marriage have always been pretty
strange to me. Sometimes I don’t think it’s necessary. I strongly believe in
the phrase “Every man for themselves”. You carry your own weight and that’s how
it’s supposed to be. You entered the world all by yourself, you’ll leave the
world all by yourself, that’s how it’s supposed to be, you’re on your own.
But experiencing love.
Not love within yourself, but love within others.
When self-love have always been something I’ve been
struggling to do all my life, loving someone else Is another confusing concept that
I couldn’t even grasp my hand on. I don’t know how. I don’t understand.
As I grow older, I believe that love is something that you
learn by heart. You may try to use your logic, but trust me, it’ll lose. That’s
why I also believe, people tend to be really stupid when they’re in love. Smart
people think logically, they put calculations into their actions, everything is
well-thought and prepared so that they will not suffer the consequences they’re
not ready for. That’s smart, that’s how I try to live my life. Smartly.
But it just doesn’t work with love, does it?
Loving a whole another person other than yourself and your
family.. is a suffocating, but thrilling experience that I wouldn’t trade for
anything in the world.
When you care about your significant other’s happiness more
than your own..
When you’re worrying about your significant other’s
well-being more than your own..
Things like..
“has he eaten?”
“is he okay?”
“how’s his family
doing?”
“what can I do to ease
up his stress”
“this sweater would
look very cute on him”
“ah.. he needs to take
up his medicine”
“I hope he gets home
safely”
“go to sleep, it’s
late”
Needless to say, I’ve experienced what love is.
And I understand you need to be in love to be married. Its
not necessarily a necessity, everyone have their own indicator and reasons on
why they want to get married but I personally want love to be one of the
reasons.
I love him, but do I want to be married to him?
Marriage is a scary, scary commitment.
Marriage is a big deep lake, I wouldn’t even dare to dip my
legs in it.
A relationship that binds two people and even families
together, with all of their differences.
A sacred ritual, that symbolize the celebration of two
people committed to spend the rest of their lives together until death do them
part.
Do I want that?
I don’t know.
What I do want is to see you on the other side of my bed
every morning.
To make you breakfast and a cup of tea every morning before
you go to work.
To hold you in my arms when you feel like crying, to sit
with you in your darkest night.
To be there with you as you grow older, as your hair turn
white.
To remind you to take your medicines and not to forget your
meals.
I want to be with you.
I want that.
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