As a 23 years old being, I feel like I have been through several existential crises. Being constantly exposed to the achievements of others makes comparison inevitable. I used to think I was immune to it -- I was not, I was just good at hiding it.
I have fallen victim to the dark side of comparison and perfectly posed myself as a care-free, humorous (if I say so myself), happy-go-lucky gal. I see the life of others constantly and so-openly portrayed on their social media. When I see a successful person having achieved so much in such a young age, I will feel excruciatingly bad about myself and I will punish myself grievously.
I have a lot of doubts about myself. I am absolutely sure everyone has their own worries and insecurities too and I know what everyone will say: don't compare yourself. Yes, believe me. I get it.
I read so many books and I know what you're about to say: they are showing the best version of themselves, not everything is as good as it seems, la la la la. I have heard them all. You want to tell me that I should not be comparing my life with other's seemingly perfectly happy life. I know.
But it still gets to me. As I find my future very uncertain, my worry grows. I am afraid that I am not good enough to work in a top-tier law firm, I am afraid that I am not good enough to receive a scholarship for my Master's, I am afraid that I will never find my purpose in life because I am too distracted to even think about myself due to my work, I am afraid that I am just simply not smart enough for anything I ever set my aim for and that's why I always consistently fail.
I am afraid.
You don't find me whine about anything in my life, I joke about them. I treat everything as a joke and now I'm struggling with the things that I should have taken seriously. Even I joke about my anxiety, everything is a fucking joke. Including myself.
The most aggravating thing about this is I know exactly what to do.
I know exactly what to do. I always wanted to do my master's overseas. Having a boyfriend is actually really nice but not yet necessary because I still have so many things I want to achieve. Yet here comes another set of questions -- what do you really want, Ruth?
Do you want to do your master's overseas because you find it cool?
Because you want to escape your brim reality here in Indonesia?
Or do you really find value in what you do, and you want to make it your life purpose? Think it over, because you will most probably be doing it for a really, really long time.
And I haven't found the answer. Of course I haven't, how's one supposed to find answer to the most trivial questions? Or am I being too distracted to focus on the real things that actually matter to me? Who are you? Who is Ruth? What are your values? Do you even have any? Can you consistently stick to your values and call yourself a fucking decent human being? What is your purpose? Do we need a purpose? What if you never found your purpose? What do you want? Who the fuck are you?
Oh my god. I have been living in this body for 23 years and I still don't know the answers to the above.
Fucking snowflakes will say: it's okay.. you'll get there.. all in time.. blablabla.
I am a soft person. But not upon important fundamental questions like the above. Being soft will only lead me to eternal confusion. I gotta stay hard and force myself to think. Think. Stay hard. Ponder upon it. Think. Fucking think. Think!
I have fallen victim to the dark side of comparison and perfectly posed myself as a care-free, humorous (if I say so myself), happy-go-lucky gal. I see the life of others constantly and so-openly portrayed on their social media. When I see a successful person having achieved so much in such a young age, I will feel excruciatingly bad about myself and I will punish myself grievously.
I have a lot of doubts about myself. I am absolutely sure everyone has their own worries and insecurities too and I know what everyone will say: don't compare yourself. Yes, believe me. I get it.
I read so many books and I know what you're about to say: they are showing the best version of themselves, not everything is as good as it seems, la la la la. I have heard them all. You want to tell me that I should not be comparing my life with other's seemingly perfectly happy life. I know.
But it still gets to me. As I find my future very uncertain, my worry grows. I am afraid that I am not good enough to work in a top-tier law firm, I am afraid that I am not good enough to receive a scholarship for my Master's, I am afraid that I will never find my purpose in life because I am too distracted to even think about myself due to my work, I am afraid that I am just simply not smart enough for anything I ever set my aim for and that's why I always consistently fail.
I am afraid.
You don't find me whine about anything in my life, I joke about them. I treat everything as a joke and now I'm struggling with the things that I should have taken seriously. Even I joke about my anxiety, everything is a fucking joke. Including myself.
The most aggravating thing about this is I know exactly what to do.
I know exactly what to do. I always wanted to do my master's overseas. Having a boyfriend is actually really nice but not yet necessary because I still have so many things I want to achieve. Yet here comes another set of questions -- what do you really want, Ruth?
Do you want to do your master's overseas because you find it cool?
Because you want to escape your brim reality here in Indonesia?
Or do you really find value in what you do, and you want to make it your life purpose? Think it over, because you will most probably be doing it for a really, really long time.
And I haven't found the answer. Of course I haven't, how's one supposed to find answer to the most trivial questions? Or am I being too distracted to focus on the real things that actually matter to me? Who are you? Who is Ruth? What are your values? Do you even have any? Can you consistently stick to your values and call yourself a fucking decent human being? What is your purpose? Do we need a purpose? What if you never found your purpose? What do you want? Who the fuck are you?
Oh my god. I have been living in this body for 23 years and I still don't know the answers to the above.
Fucking snowflakes will say: it's okay.. you'll get there.. all in time.. blablabla.
I am a soft person. But not upon important fundamental questions like the above. Being soft will only lead me to eternal confusion. I gotta stay hard and force myself to think. Think. Stay hard. Ponder upon it. Think. Fucking think. Think!
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