Just two days ago, I finally cut all sorts of communications that I have with this one guy.
This one guy, we go way back.. back in April 2018. We were best friends and lovers, I was truly getting the best of both worlds, although it was all going on the forbidden side. I crossed a line that should've never been passed.
We went through a lot of emotional roller coasters. We tried to analyze our feelings; we decided to end whatever relationship we had. For some fucked up reason, we always find our way back to each other. I don't necessarily think it's a good or a bad thing, I have no judgment. However, I do know for sure that this relationship is holding me back from finding a good, genuine, and long-lasting relationship that I always yearned for.
It was him that I wanted, but apparently, I was not his choice. Even if I was, I was merely one of his options. I was benched.
Benching, for those of you who are not familiar with the term, is defined as follows:
When someone gets "benched,"; they're on the team but sitting on the sidelines. They're waiting in the hope that their coach calls them into play at some point. In the dating world, benching is being strung along by someone you've been dating. They gradually reduce their contact with you.
So yeah, that was the case with me. I was benched, I was never the first option. I was merely the alternative; no matter how much attention I was given, I know it is nothing compared to the attention that he gave to his girlfriend. Yep. He has a girlfriend. Although, by the time he didn't have a girlfriend, I was never made the priority. Right now, I just simply don't give a fuck.
I endured a lot of things in this relationship. I try to stifle my emotions, to the point of repressing them. I feel everything; jealous, happy, sad, scared, excited, content, fun, bored, hurt, joy.. everything. I even tried to make peace with the fact that maybe things are better off this way, we are friends. Nothing more, nothing less.
But no, being friends with him is actually the most significant L I have ever taken. Being friends with him means I agree to stifle and endure more of these repressed emotions and feelings that I have towards him, to actually work my fucking ass off to be content with the fact that whatever I had hoped will happen with respect to romance with him was out of the window. I was not chosen, not then, not now, not ever.
I had the hope of the naive girl. "Maybe I should just stick with him through everything, being friends.. then maybe he will realize that I am actually worthy and he will finally pick me". That moment never happened, and I have waited for 2 damn years. If it's not happening then, It only will not be happening now.. or ever. I was indeed played, and I lost. I am losing terribly, it took me 2 goddamn years to realize that he was never going to choose me.
But meh, what did I even expect? Even his girlfriend was not chosen by him. I don't know what the fuck is going on in your mind, and I am not planning to stick around and find out. Not again, good luck figuring your fucking shit out.
Do I hate him? Maybe. I have never felt this disrespected. He flat out disrespected my boundaries and emotions, but I genuinely never find hatred towards him in my heart. But now, as I look back and I analyze, I was actually being stepped on like giant cat shit. I was dragged around like a fucking rag doll, and I blindly follow him and all of his unclear directions because I was blinded by the adoration and love I had for him. So I guess I do hate him, and I don't want anything to do about him anymore, I'm finished. This chapter, whatever fuckery this is, it is over.
I do think this is my karma from my previous relationship back in 2017? I honestly forgot lol but seeing my old blog posts it's wild that I actually wrote about how the future will be with him as my husband, and I'm just glad that he is a husband of another woman because now that I have reflected on my relationship with him.. I don't want to be wedded to someone like that. (LOL). Yet, since I took part in his cheating, I had to pay the price. With this experience, I feel like it's already even.
And if you are reading this, girl, I feel you. And I am genuinely sorry.
Now that my karmic circle has come to an end, I just want to focus on my growth and becoming. I will always be in the constant pursuit of love though, this experience will not hold me back from finding the love of my life. I am willing to put on the work to actually be in a relationship, work on it, and eventually get married and maybe have kids, I am flexible about that. Dogs though, are absolute.
One piece of advice though, Figure your fucking shit out, dipshit. Stop making people miserable.
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