Hello.
Let's cut the rest of the bullshit explaining why it's been a while and talking about how much I missed blogging (although it is true).. truth is, I was just too lazy to blog.
I feel like I have taken a lot of things for granted. Or have I?
I got the inspiration to write this because of an old chat-room with Kevin. A really nice, sweet, kind, and charming guy that I - wait for it... - friend-zoned. You may ask "But Ruth? How could you? What more could you ask for a guy?"
Well, I mean a lot, bro.
In finding a guy companion (lol, feeling like some main character in an RPG video game), I do have high standards; be it looks, brains, taste, personality, financial condition... I have my preferences all tailored to my liking. And for some reason, all of the aforementioned qualities should meet my standards, and I mean all.
They always say not to aim too high if you don't want to end up alone. But me being me, I question it. If I am going to spend forever with someone then why should I settle? It doesn't make any sense. But now, I can see the conventional wisdom in that: if you consistently seek perfection.. you'll never find it.
But at the end of the day, you do have your preferences, and you'd only set them aside if you really have to: be it your age, your parents' preferences, FOMO, etc.
The issue with me? I don't give a crapload about that. I don't care about marrying old or marrying young, I only care about marrying the right person. If your argument is the productive age-limitation of a woman to bear children.. well I am not a big fan of children. I don't even know if I want a child, so that doesn't apply to me.
Frankly speaking, the only thing I care about when it comes to my parents' approval is my boyfriend to be a Christian, because if not, I'm gonna cause a huge drama in the house and I don't want that. So I'll get myself a Christian boyfriend, but other than that I don't really care about my parents' preference. This is my marriage, not theirs. I am gonna be the one that has to be in the relationship every day until I die. So although their opinions matter, but not when it comes to my marriage.
FOMO? I never look at my friends who marry young in envy. I look at them with wonder, and a tad of confusion, and admiration. Marriage is not something that you do because "other people do it", it is a lifetime commitment. It is so much more than the thrill of seeking wedding vendors.. to later make it an Instagram caption to show off to your friends how "gratifying" the process is. I don't buy the thrill of marrying young, I am stern of my opinion: I will get married once I get my master's degree and I am financially in a good place.
I don't know why I am talking about all that, to be honest. The point of this writing is to point out how much of an ungrateful prick I am.
Well.. I am getting to it.
See the above-mentioned? I am quite a hassle, right? Right. That is why I tend to really scrutinize tiny little details about my partner; is he a good person? is he good looking? (yes I care about their looks), is he in a good place financially? can I rely on him?
I once met a really good guy, Kevin.. as I told you above. He is really nice, he would accompany me to work for like 2 or 3 hours just talking. He was more than kind, and he is such a responsible and hard-working person. However, I never feel romantically interested in Kevin. Frankly, look-wise he is not my type. How nasty, right? I rejected a guy because of his looks. How awful. But that's just how it is..
But now as I reflect on my own relationship, I find a lot of good qualities that my boyfriend does not possess that Kevin has. Kevin is a lot more caring, a lot more interested in my personal life, and he is more inclined to grant my wishes, even the silly ones. The only reason why I don't want him is only that he is not attractive enough, I was unable to see him from a romantic perspective.
As I read my old conversations with him.. I can feel the pain and embarrassment. How he keeps asking me out, as friends, even though I know deep down he is betraying himself. I know he wanted to be more than friends with me, that is why I did the humane thing to do: I ignored him. I don't want to make him feel hopeful about being friends.. because I know that being friends is not what he wanted. Being friends is his last resort because he can't leave me just like that, that's why I figured I would just leave and ignore him.
Then a couple of months later.. I met my boyfriend and I was soon in a relationship weeks after that. I can't imagine the heartbreak that he is feeling once he found out about that. I know that he unfollowed me on Instagram and TikTok soon after he found out about my boyfriend, which I don't blame.
However, with this post I want to say that I am truly sorry that I can't be the girl you want me to be. You are such an amazing and kind person, I don't deserve you. You will find someone better than me, I guarantee it, and you will laugh when you remember about our relationship. You are such a blessing and I am so, so grateful to be your friend. I am so sorry that I can't tell you about this straight to your face, I don't want to bother you with my bullshit anymore.
But Kev, just so you know, in the short time that we spent together.. I was truly happy.
Thank you and I'm sorry.
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